wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
