College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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