can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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