Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
