dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
