I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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