Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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