It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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