Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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