I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
