I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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