I think im going to throw up on grandma
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
did i walk over a car last night?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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