Can i not drive my cunt home
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
