I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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