Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
