I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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