I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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