i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
