This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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