The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
