If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
