i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
