ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Text me some of your sweat
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
