I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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