My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
