my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
