Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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