So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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