i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
