I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
