i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
