she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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