we have officially lost it.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
