we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
