I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
