Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
