On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The best revenge is premature balding
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
