I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dignity is for republicans.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
