Plan B is the new Plan A
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
