Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
