Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Sorry about my life...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
