Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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