My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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