i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
