I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
