I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
