If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
