that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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