dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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