pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
