The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
