Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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