So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Green mimosas i think yes
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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