Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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